Responding to feedback

At 8:30 in the morning Lochy arrived at my place. We packed some scooters and skateboards.

Then we went to pick Deakyn up and drove on to Reefton Skatepark.

This was going to be the perfect day.

We played in the very big dome before we got the scooters and rode down some steep ramps.

I could hear Deakyn  skidding his shoes as he was trying to get out.

I could see Lochy going down a ramp on a skateboard while using his bake.

I could feel the wind blowing on my face.  It felt cold.

This was the perfect day.

The Perfect Day

I am learning to make my writing more interesting for the reader.

I know I will be able to do this when I add more detail, interesting words and include what I see, hear, smell and feel.

At 8:30 in the morning Lochy arrived at my place. We packed some skates and skateboards.

The we went to pick up Deakyn and drove on to Reefton Skatepark.

This was going to be the perfect day.

We played in the very big dome before we got the scooters and rode down some ramps.

I could hear Deakyn skidding his shoes.

I could see Lochy going down a ramp on a skateboard.

I could feel the wind blowing on me.

This was the perfect day.

Thirsty